Friday, February 1, 2013

New Mommy Confessions - Part 13


Hi!  It's me.  No guest posters, just me confessing today.  I have a lot to get off my chest.  Here goes!

  • What is the deal with "mommy guilt" and does it EVER go away?  Why do I feel guilty about everything I do?  I feel guilty when I go to work in the morning.  I feel guilty if I run an errand without the baby.  I feel guilty when Ryan and I have a date night.  I feel guilty that I'm no longer breastfeeding.  I feel guilty when I'm on the floor playing around with him because maybe I should be doing more, like reciting the alphabet in French or teaching him long division.  Seriously, do you ever get to the point where you feel like you're doing a good job?  (I don't know, I'm asking you this.)  I think I'm doing pretty well with this whole mom gig so far - he's wonderful and healthy and happy - but will I always feel so guilty for not doing more?  

  • Since I've had Mac I have an unprecedented amount of ear wax in my ears.  What the hell is up with that?  Not sure if it has anything to do with to being a new mom, but I'm chalking it up to post-pregnancy body weirdness.  Other weird things: my right foot is significantly larger than my left foot, I cannot wear earrings without them itching like crazy and my hands now look exactly like my mother's hands. 

  • Sometimes I worry that my child is turning into a spoiled rotten brat.  He's got me so wrapped around his finger that I jump any time he makes a peep.  Apparently I don't have that gene that allows me to tune him out like his father does (seriously, do all men have this?).  Sometimes I realize I'm doing it and vow to let him deal with himself for just one hot minute before picking him up so as to not turn him into a whiny, needy, clingy brat...and then he whines and I jump.  Spoiled brat it is.  Maybe the next kid will have a chance.

  • Now that Mac's standing up on his own, we've lowered his crib mattress as far down as it'll go.  Good for him, bad for me.  It's LOW.  And I'm SHORT.  This means that when I put him down (if he's asleep in my arms, which he usually is because I'm a sucker and still want to rock him to sleep - this is a whole other confession on it's own though), I have to lean over  the crib railing as far as I possibly can and then drop him about 2 feet to the mattress.  Inevitably, he hits pretty hard and bounces and wakes up and screams.  Fuck.  How do you avoid this?  I've tried putting a stepping stool next to the crib rail, but I still have to lean so far over that my feet slip off the stool and I nearly fall into the crib on top of the baby.  Not a solution.  So...here's what I've been doing.  I've started pushing the glider ottoman over to the crib.  Then I climb into the crib and gently lay him down.  And since I'm already in the crib, I just lay down next to him to make sure he's good and passed out.  And then sometimes I fall asleep in there next to him.  (Don't tell my husband I do this!)  Ok, so it's not a perfect solution, but it works!  And I get a few more minutes of baby snuggle time.  (See also previous confession regarding spoiled brat.)

  • I'm constantly surprised how similar having an 8 month old is to having a puppy.  They both drool a lot.  They both bite and scratch with their tiny little teeth and nails that are like razors.  They're both covered in dog hair.  They're both into everything.  They both go 100 mph and then just crash.  They both whine and squeal.  They  both chew on everything.  They both do tricks (sit, fetch and roll over).  They both annoy all the other pets in the house with their endless energy and constant attention seeking.  They both smell wonderful.  And they are both as cute as can be.  

  • I recently realized that Mac doesn't have single pair of shoes.  Not one.  How is that even possible?  I love shoes!  And baby shoes are adorable!  I know he doesn't need shoes - mainly because he wears nothing but feety pajamas, but also because he can't walk - but shouldn't he at least have a pair?  Should I go buy him shoes or do I just wait until he really needs them (for walking or because he starts wearing real clothes)?  Also, should he be wearing real clothes?  Are all the other moms secretly (or not so secretly) judging me because he only wears pajamas all day long?  Am I that mom?  

  • I miss my friends.  Terribly.  I really wish I was better about keeping in touch with my friends these days, but it is SO hard.  I never wanted to be that person that has a kid and drops off the face of the earth.  Or the one that ditches her kid-free friends and only spends time with other people with kids.  I hate those people.  But man, it's hard to find a good balance.  Especially when my time is already spread so thinly over baby, marriage and work.  I hope to be better.  I will be better.  I want Mac to know how important it is to have amazing friends and a strong support system.  I just happen to have the greatest friends in the world - I just need to be better about seeing them all.  And in the meantime I'm just going to profusely apologize to my friends.  Especially to those without kids who probably do not understand why I can't meet up for drinks after work or talk on the phone for 5 freaking minutes or even reply to a damn text message in a timely manner.  Sorry!  

  • Along these same lines, I also feel like I should offer a blanket apology to any of my "mom friends" who I may have pissed off or got impatient with before I had kids and "understood" what it was like.  A few weeks after I had Mac I remember wondering how I would EVER get anything done for the rest of my life.  Babies are SO time-consuming, especially in those first few months.  If I answered 1 text message or email a day I felt like I'd accomplished something.  How pathetic is that?  I actually remember a few years back being  pissed off at one of my stay-at-home-mom friends because it took her like 8 hours to respond to an email I sent her once.  I kept thinking, she's at home ALL DAY, why can't she just answer me?  What could she possibly be doing?  I want to go back in time and slap myself.  

  • Remember how I told you that Mac has a little girlfriend (Harper) in his gym class and he smiles and waves to?  Well, the nanny told me that this week that they held hands in class.  I wanted to die.  Not because this is cute, but because HE'S MINE!!  I thought I was going to be his first girlfriend, his first love!  My heart is broken.  Why is this happening already?  I am so done with this little Harper tramp.  I don't even know her, but she's not good enough for my son.  End of story.  Is this what moms feel like when their kids start dating?  How do you even let them out of the house?

  • At least once a week I get really nervous about this blog.  I love having a blog and having a creative outlet, but I worry about posting too many pictures of my baby or sharing too much information about him that he will resent me for later.  What happens if he grows up and hates that his life is out there on the internet for the whole world to see?  What if he is horrified that there are pictures of him in the bathtub on this blog and that I tell strangers about all the little intimate details of his babyhood?  I don't know.  I worry about how he'll react, whether he'll care, whether he'll be humiliated later.  Or maybe he won't think twice about it because he's growing up in an age of over-sharing on Facebook and mommy blogs.  Hopefully he'll realize I only do this out of love and because I'm proud of him.  I know I have to be careful, but how do you know how much is ok to post and what is crossing the line?  How do you choose how much to share of someone else's life when they don't have a say in it?  It's such a tough call.  I don't have an answer.  Obviously I'm still blogging and posting pictures of our little man, but it's always on my mind.  Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Catch up on the rest of the New Mommy Confessions series:

28 comments:

  1. First off your crib story is awesome. I'm tall so I'm hoping I dont have to worry about that happening and I'm pretty sure I would break a crib in half. I'm so glad that you're comparing having a baby to a pupppy bc right now all I have is puppy experience and so far she's pretty tough so that makes me feel like I can handle it! Is it weird that even just being pregnant I feel like my child-less friends and I have nothing in common? I never thought I would say that but I can't go out drinking with you and shopping is just depressing these days.

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  2. I always get a kick out of reading these, they are so honest and too funny! I think the older they get mommy guilt only gets worse, not sure that feeling will ever go away! I love baby robeez or the taget brand of the lil leather shoes, it might be a good idea to get a pair and have him wear them every once in awhile or he might hate wearing shoes later;)

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  3. As always LOVE when you confess. I can relate to literally everything you say! Shoes... um we have no joke 15 pair- think he has worn any? nope never not once. I am in the process of running out to Kohl's to buy more feety pjs because I can get enough, specifically zip up, the buttons just about give me a damn heart attack.

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  4. Regarding baby Harper - How hard will it be to be a mother-in-law some day. I am already trying to prepare myself so that I don't become a SUPER annoying mother-in-law. Not that I'd know what an annoying MIL acts like ;-)

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  5. Love this post!

    I've had the last thought cross my mind lately, and I've decided to just keep his full name off of my blog so that the google bots don't damn him for eternity. Now, if someone wants to search his mother and finds my blog and cares to go back through decades worth of posts to find one of him in the bathtub (but always with his privates covered) then I can't help that, but that individual probably has more issues than a mom who blogged about his/her babyhood.

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  6. The image of you putting him in the crib and climbing in with him is so funny to me. I am not judging, I am short too and I do have difficulty with putting Max down as well, but it is funny. Max also wears PJ's a majority of the day. I mean why waste clothes and it's cold! I bought him shoes to wear for x-mas photos and he won't wear them so don't buy shoes. Love your confessions! You're doing a great job, try not to be so hard on yourself!

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  7. I was laughing out loud about your crib story! Because it won't be too long before I will be doing the same thing because I'm short too! Thanks for your honesty! Most mom's out there feel the same way, you just put it in writing! Thanks for sharing!

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  8. I keep going back and forth about the blogging thing. I loved meeting up with you this week and being real and not anonymous. I know my husband doesn't like the idea of me being out there and me, so I don't know. It's tough to navigate.

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  9. first of all, i wholeheartedly agree with you on so many of these topics...especially the jumping at their every whim (if CC cried she immediately gets picked up) and regarding the whole friend balance-i'm trying to do the best i can, but unfortunately have to say no/miss certain things because family time takes precedence...however, the narration of the crib is HILARIOUS--i'm short and this belly is growing and making it REALLY difficult not to throw CC in when she is asleep ;)

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  10. I agree - that crib story is hilarious! Awesome.

    The guilt gets better. It was a combo for me of many things: feeling more secure in my parenting decisions as I practiced them more and realized they were working for us, seeing Julia grow up a little and realizing I hadn't damaged her, and having a second child and just plain old not having time to do anything else for them! Re: your alphabet in French comment - I was totally the same way, but I've learned that simplicity, silence, and calm does wonders for children. Mac has his whole life to be overstimulated - take your cues from him now. He needs smiles, baby games, help climbing on things, and the security of having his mom close by while he explores his world. Anything else is, at best, unnecessary. No need for mommy guilt - what you're doing now is just perfect for him. :)

    Lana not only doesn't have shoes, but she goes barefoot as much as possible. Everywhere. In the winter. She does wear real clothes though. ;)

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    Replies
    1. LOVE these!

      The guilt does get some better...but it rears its ugly head at times! I feel guilty because when I'm home with Elyse during the day I feel like I should make myself useful at the house and feel guilty for leaving her playing alone in the floor. And I also feel guilty because what if other babies her age are speaking tons of words and she just speaks Elyse-talk which I think is oh so cute but not at all intelligible!

      & I hear you about the crib story...my belly gets squished everytime I lay her down for a nap and she softly, or not so softly sometimes just rolls off my hands and into the crib. Thankfully she is able to settle herself back down & go back to sleep...but don't think that crawling into the crib hasn't crossed my mind!

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  11. I agree with Kristen, I can't imagine being a mother-in-law, I mean, that boy is MINE!

    I'm with you on the friend thing. I've been such a horrible friend since having H, it's just hard!

    I can't believe you can sleep in his crib with him, that's too funny and cute. I love it! :)

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  12. Your message about friends and apologizing to people who had babies before you resonates with me. I just got in a mini tiff with a friend who couldnt understand why I could just make time to do a once weekly lunch, or why I struggle to g-chat her. And as much as I try to explain that I'm so super busy, she doesnt get it.... and I wouldnt either had I been childless.

    I love your confessionals. It resonates w/ me so much!

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  13. I feel the same way about Colton - NO girl better come between us! Everyone jokes he already has a girlfriend (one if my friends little girls, 2 months younger than him). I laugh along but in my mind I'm thinking 'no fricken way, he is MINE. Forever.' It's so hard to imagine out babies all grown up and leaving - thank goodness it's a LONG ways off :)

    I'm definitely guilty of needing to make a blanket apology to mom friends...for so many things! Why can't they go out more, why would they let their kid do THAT, he's 11 months old and they haven't left him for a night? I feel like such an ass.

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  14. A. You knew from the beginning your kid was going to be a spoiled little shit, that's why you have Ryan, to be the tough love guy. Even though he's a giant push over too, he's less so than you ;)
    B. You crack me up.
    C. Don't make me reach through this computer and smack you, you are an AMAZING friend. When I came to visit, you took care of me. You were my salvation! And girl, you text me, email and blog comment. You are a spectacular friend and I'm sure you wish you were doing more, but, don't beat yourself up about it.
    D. What size are his feet, I'm buying him shoes.
    E. We need to have a serious powwow about this little Harper tramp. He knows his first girlfriend is Melanie Jackman and Hugh and I aren't even dating yet. MAC. WTF, WE HAD A DEAL.
    F. That's about all I've got, but, just to say you are a fabulous mom, a fabulous friend and also, if you want to send us Mally, we're willing to be a three dog household. crazy dog lady, right here! aka why I'm single.

    xoxox

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  15. Love these, Sara! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who doesn't do baby shoes!! I love them, so cute, but I never, ever put them on Eli. I never put them on the other two kids, either. For me, it's total laziness. I have to feed you, diaper you, bathe you, clothe you AND put tiny useless shoes on your non-walking feet? Nope. :-)

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  17. I always love to read these- I can totally relate! As far as the shoes, at this age I don't think it's a big deal if he doesn't wear shoes (or real clothes). If you do buy some, I recommend the stride rite Robeez for pre-walkers- they are great, and good for foot development (so I hear). But shoes are expensive so I'd hold off as long as you want. :)

    I often think I'm spoiling Nora too. It's so hard! I feel like some deep biological urge to respond to her as soon as she starts fussing, even now that she's a little older. Meanwhile my husband has no problem at all making her wait a little bit, so I think it must be a mother thing.

    I'm not sure about the blog either. Obviously I post a ton about my daughter online. I feel like this is okay while she's still under 4 or so. It's not like I'm posting particularly embarrassing stuff and I feel like most kids these days will have a "web history" before they get to school because of things their parents posted. I am conscious of it though and I try not to post anything that could be used against her later, like naked photos or anything (plus I don't want any creepsters pulling those photos off my site). Overall I think I feel more comfortable with posting things about my family than a lot of other people do, but I like blogging and try to keep really personal stuff off the web, so I feel like it's okay.

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  18. HA! That is hilarious about the crib! Have you taken off the wheels to make it lower? It helped me a lot to lower DH into her crib. Also, I worry about my blog all the time too!

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  19. OMG! THE EAR WAX THING! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!
    I thought I was alone! My ears! they are so itchy! GAAAH.

    And you are not the only mom who dresses her boy in feety sleepers. That's all my baby wears....and no, he doesn't own a single pair of shoes either. What's the point?! You'll be buying more than your share of shoes over the next few years anyway...I hear they grow pretty fast. ;)

    And yes. Men have this ability to tune babies out. I don't know how or why but I must admit, I am (sometimes) (okay, all the time) jealous.

    At least you still blog! I don't/can't, and some days I hate myself for it. Sigh.

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  20. Babies are like puppies!! OMG you're so right.
    And you need to post MORE about mac and couldn't post enough. LOL. Don't worry about us getting sick of his cuteness. ;)

    Also - The ear wax thing - I have it too! It's because we SWEAT more now. Is your hair greasier (mine is) or do you need more deodorant?? (I DO).

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  21. OH MY GAWD I am DYING with the giggles over here.

    The crib story is EPIC! I can just picture the whole thing! Also, I am in the same boat sista so I better not laugh too hard at your present situation because I am sure I will be there in a month. Who am I kidding I practically have to lean over and drop her in now and the mattress is all the way up! Oh and I think it's about time for me to take the bumpers out of the crib. Even though they are so damn cute. I keep walking into her room and finding her sucking-face with the bumpers. Oops.

    Ear wax! YES! Why????? And the earrings itch - YES!! WTF?!

    I just realized we had ONE pair of shoes. That don't fit. I've been squeezing Stella's feet into size 0 infant shoes. My MIL had to point that one out. Thanks a lot. I just bought like four pair of shoes in one week. Matt was like WHAT THE HELL.

    One of my friends got her boobs done last week. Not that I really am into that sort of thing (yet I guess - won't rule anything out - ha!) Well at her Superbowl party last night she showed me and I was like DAYUM. My poor saggy boobs look disgusting in comparison. WAH!!!!

    The Mom Guilt. Guilty, guilty, guilt. Me too! Always! It's so annoying! Why are we so hard on ourselves?! Why do I still feel like I didn't earn my mom badge because I had to have a c-section? Why????????????

    Stella has a boyfriend at school. His name is Brady. He's cute and all but I hear they hold hands at school too and I'm like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO shame on you bad boy get away from MY BABY!

    (Plus she is supposed to be saving herself for MAC!)

    Oh you are too much. I heartsies you to the moon and back! When are we getting together?! I need a Sara date!!

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  24. So many great confessions here...I'm with you on the mom's guilt. I don't think it ever goes away! But it's what motivates us to keep trying...right??

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  25. The crib story cracked me up. I've thought about starting a separate blog just focused on Babycakes so I could post every story and photo there, password it and only let our families read it. But then I think, they don't even read my blog NOW! I also wonder if anyone give a crap if I only post baby stuff on my blog. Then I think maybe I should rename the blog completely. But then, I'm just too lazy to any of what I think about. XOXO!

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  26. The guilt never stops and when the kids have left and gone off to college the guilt just continues with the dogs. I always feel guilty!

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  27. SO glad I found your blog. I can relate on so many levels. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Mommy guilt has yet to go away. And I also feel guilty for some blog posts, but not for long. We are going to be embarrassing them for the rest of our lives for things that really are not embarrassing. I birthed you, I can talk about you how I like! :)

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