Tuesday, September 4, 2012

New Mommy Confessions



-  I've had a diaper shit explosion happen all over me.  I've been sprayed in the face by a stream of warm pee.  And I've had my kid vomit regurgitated breast milk into my mouth.  My mouth! Having a kid is so fucking GROSS.

- I don't wash off the pacifier when it falls on the floor before popping it back in his mouth.  If it's really covered in dog hair, I'll wipe it on my pant leg.  Yeah, I said it.

- I've pretended to be dead asleep in the middle of the night when the baby cries, forcing my husband to get up and feed him.  Then I feel guilty and go check on them to make sure he doesn't need help...but I might make sure to wait long enough that he really doesn't need help and is already comfortably feeding the baby so I can go back to bed.  Just kidding, Ryan!  (no, I'm not)


- I am SO annoyed with my "mommy voice."  Apparently when you have a child they send you home from the hospital with that voice...you know the one - the high-pitched, sing-songy, overly dramatic, horribly annoying voice of a mom talking to a baby.  WHY?!  Why can't I just talk to my child like a normal human being?!  Why can't I talk in the first person instead of calling myself "mommy" over and over?  "Mommy loves her widdle baby...yes she does...yes she does!"  Ugh!  I catch myself talking like that and think, "man, you sound so stupid...shut up, shut up, shut up," yet I can't stop!

- I absolutely cannot handle the sound of my own child crying.  Why is that?  Crying babies do not usually phase me.  I can tune out someone else's kid like it's my business.  But if my child even whimpers, I have a panic attack.  One of his meltdowns will drive me to tears and I freak the eff out.  I don't think logically.  I lash out.  I full on lose my shit.  It's the worst!  I feel like such a bad mom because I can't handle it or keep my cool. I want to be one of those chill moms that can carry on a conversation and do the dishes while the child is screaming like, "no worries, the baby's crying, he's totally fine, what were you saying about Christian Grey."  Instead I'm like, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?  STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT. WHAT DO YOU WANT, I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING! SOMEBODY GET THIS KID A BOTTLE NOW. NOW! NOOOOOOW!!"  Inevitably I have to hand him to Ryan and run out of the room and pour myself a glass of wine.  My husband is soooo fed up with me. And we go through so much wine.  Anyone else do this (the panicking, not the binge drinking)?  Does it get better?  Will I ever get used to it?


- On my fifth day of going back to work, I didn't cry when I left the baby.  And then a few hours later I realized that I didn't cry when I left the baby, which made me feel so guilty I cried over not crying.

- On my sixth and seventh days back to work I cried all morning and had to leave work early to go home and see him both days.  So no, it's still not getting much better. 

- Sometimes I wake the sleeping baby up just so I can hold him while he sleeps.  I just can't help myself.

- I'm having a really hard time putting away Mac's newborn and 0-3 month clothing.  The newborn stuff wasn't all that bad - he only had a few outfits and he wore them all repeatedly over the first few weeks.  But the 0-3 month stuff is HARD to pack away.  I've been dreading it - so much so that I've made him wear clothing that's too small and too short for over a week because I was in denial that he was bigger than that.    These clothes have so many memories associated with them, so many stories.  I couldn't even throw out the poop-stained clothes because I'm too sentimental.  How am I going to deal with no more yellow chicken jammies?  No more "My First Fourth of July" baseball outfit.  No more blue striped zip-up feetie pajamas (they were my favorite!).  Sad sad sad.

- Mac's rolling over in his sleep now when he's swaddled.  This is a serious problem.  The poor kid can't sleep unswaddled because his arms don't stop moving and he smacks himself in the face a lot.  This inevitably leads to screaming, rocking and possibly an additional middle of the night feeding to get him back to sleep.  I'm about this close to sewing velcro strips to the crib sheet and the back of his swaddle so he's pinned to mattress and can't roll over.  Does that make me a bad mom?  It seems much easier than teaching him to sleep through the night with crazy arms.  And it's better than tying him down with bungee cords right?

- I want to be pregnant again.  Like now.  And a couple more times after that.  And maybe for the rest of my life.  Maybe I should consider surrogacy...don't people get paid a ton of money to do that?  And then I could quit my job and stay home with my 8 children.  (My husband is NOT ok with this plan.)


35 comments:

  1. HA!! Love it. All of it, you little cutie-patootie-mommy-wommy! ;)

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  2. The fact that you said "fuck" like a zillion times is just one of the many reasons I adore you. You're a great mother and Ryan is a great daddy. Y'all are the best. I am DYING over the wanting to be pregnant thing since I know Ryan isn't ready for nine months of Chipotle tacos again, hahahaha.

    Oh, and that kid you have is pretty awesome too or whatever.

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  3. Love this. For, like, 100 different reasons. I also approve of the wine consumption.

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  4. Since I have no children - I have no advice. But I really really enjoyed this post. Esp. the part about the pacifier. You're my hero.

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  5. OH MY GOODNESS! YOU ARE AWESOME!! I love that you wrote all this! I laughed, I teared up - you are just the sweetest thing! You are an amazing momma. It's OK to say you're grossed out, or tired or just need a freaking glass of wine! We all know being a mom, a new mom, or especially a first time mom ain't easy, but its SO annoying when women say how it's all so easy, and they completely love every second of it. We won't think they're a bad mom for admitting it. Nope, we just think they're honest and human. You should definitely do something with all those newborn clothes (unless you're going to reuse them for future babes) - maybe a quilt? Oh, and don't forget, surrogates don't get to enjoy those babies, they just get the no fun parts!

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  6. I've been having a really hard time with putting away the 0-3 mos clothes too. And right there with you on making him wear things that are too small just for ONE MORE WEAR! So you know how I dealt with it? Carter's, OKBG, and Target all had big baby sales for Labor Day, so I spent a small fortune on cute 6 mos sized clothes.

    Been thinking about being pregnant again too. Much too soon for me (and my still healing body) but it's been on my mind. I just can't help it. I want like 5 more of him!

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  7. Ha, I love that you're keepin' it real. :)

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  8. All of this is SO TRUE. Except the wanting to be pregnant part. No thank you. Perhaps you can be the surrogate for my next child? :)

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  9. Thank you for actually being honest about what it is like to be a new mama. I went through it, so I know. Kinda annoying when mamas try to pretend everything is simply glorious with their newborn!!!! Love, love, love your post. And is your son's full name Cormac? If so, mine too! :)

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  10. this is absolutely awesome...and oh so true!

    And for the record, I've been known to stick a pacifier in my mouth to "rinse" it off before popping it right back into Elyse's mouth...better for me to have the germs than her right?

    I'm also super-excited that some of my favorite jammies...duckbutt & strawberry girl are made in 9-12 month sizes as well...thank you Carters! You better believe I'll be getting another pair just so I can reminisce about how precious she was as a newborn in those same jammies!

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  11. Oh man this is so awesome - fairly confident I will be the same way in response to my own kiddo's cries and will subsequently be consuming a similar amount of wine! Also, my husband just finished a book called the Scientist in the Crib (it's on my reading list next), and apparently the mommy voice is actually something ingrained in human beings in response to babies. I don't remember all the details, but I'm fascinated by that! People in all cultures do something similar. So, it's not just you :)

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  12. This is a fantastic post! For being honest. For scaring the crap out of me. For making me laugh. I started that annoying mommy voice when we got the dog. And when I use it now, I think, I need to stop this before the baby comes and talk to my kid like a normal person so they don't think I'm insane. You're awesome! And back at work? Ugh.

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  13. holy shit. I laughed so hard throughout this post, I can definitely relate and I'm with you on so many of these... and we're going through a lot of wine and beers over here too so you're not alone. I'm also in denial about packing the 0-3 month cloths away (mostly because we have so many of them and they're SO stinking cute... this dress? it can be a shirt now, riiiight?!)

    Mac is so freaking adorable too, so so sweet!

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  14. You are too funny!!!! I am so freaking out about the whole sleeping without the swaddle thing. I don't know what we are going to do!!!

    I can't believe you want to be pregnant again right now crazy lady! I wish I loved being pregnant as much as you!

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  15. Too funny! I am sad everytime I have to pack away another size of Jackson's clothes and I often do the same thing with Jackson's binkie. :-)

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  16. I love how honest you are. I know so many people must feel this way but they are just too scared to admit it for some reason. You inspire me to say what I'm thinking haha. Baby boy is oh so cute and you are a sweet mamma. :)

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  17. What a great post, too funny and so honest...LOVE IT:)

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  18. I was reading this post going, "oh yes, that is me" for almost every bullet point! I too can't handle when my baby cries - especially when someone else is holding her, I am sitting there like, ummm okay give me my baby, she needs to stop crying and you're not helping her. I also want to be pregnant again, like now. Oh and our daughter has been "arms out swaddled" since about 2 weeks old but she wakes herself up ALL the time but gets furious if we put her arms in... but back to the hating-when-the-baby-cries thing I just leave her arms swaddled out! These are things no one tells you - love this post! And Mac is too cute.

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  19. Every single thing on this list made me laugh out loud. It's nice to read about the things moms sometimes can't handle (...yet, because soon, you'll forget you even complained about not being able to handle this stuff because you'll be a pro!), especially since sometimes I feel like the internet is just FULL of mothers who seemingly do it all and never have a bad day or complain. It's nice to read normal, in other words. : ) Keep being honest! I think we all love it. : )

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  20. I love the part about the baby crying- I swear it drives my husband nuts because if the baby starts crying, I can focus on nothing else. I don't understand why it doesn't effect him the same way. It must be biological/hormonal because my focus on her crying and my inability to tune it out is intense.

    I dreaded when Nora started rolling in the swaddle. I pushed it until she was about 4 months old and then I couldn't avoid it anymore because she started rolling all the time. I did one arm out for about a week or two (switching the arm that was out each night). Then I did both out while keeping her lower half swaddled. That part was rough, not gonna lie, because she really did keep waking herself up with her arms every hour for 2-3 nights. Ultimately, she got really good at rolling and just started rolling onto her stomach to sleep- which kept her arms from flailing. I was freaked about the stomach sleeping at first but figured if she could roll herself both ways it was probably fine. I also looked into the Magic Sleepsuit for awhile- it has positive reviews. I was worried it would just postpone the inevitable, though.

    Sorry work hasn't gotten easier yet. But, for me it took about 3 weeks until it got a little easier. Not easy, but easier. Hang in there!

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  21. You're awesome! I've heard all about motherhood being gross...yet, somehow, I can't wait to do it myself. :-)

    I've made baby clothes quilts for a bunch of friends. It's a great way to keep some of those early memories!

    Oh...and you are NOT the only one that has considered a four point restraint on their sleeping baby!

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  22. Oh my gosh...you just read my mind on SO many levels. Bless you for writing this. And I could be pregnant all over again too...I miss it!

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  23. I am currently Kid-less but I have to be honest, these are some of my fears! The fear of feeling guilty about returning to work and not crying when leaving the kid....That's so going to be me I already know it. sigh.........

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  24. Oh my gosh - the velcro bit made me giggle!!!

    Love the honesty and bluntness of this! Annnd maybe all the f-bombs, not going to lie. I really hope the going back to work thing is starting to get a tiny bit better.

    ps I just can't get over how cute Mac is. I don't blame you one bit for waking him up to cuddle.

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  25. I binge drink too. Just kidding. (No not really.) :P

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  26. I love this so much. So much better than some of the fake mommy talk you hear on blogs : )

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  27. Great Post!

    You aren't really a parent until you've been pooped on! It's a right of passage.

    And yes, the panicking when your baby cries will fade with time. He's still so little it's hard not to worry when he's upset. By the time they reach a year your attitude changes to "really kid!?! you're fine! stop it."

    We had to do the one arm in and one arm out swaddle for awhile, which progressed to both arms out and then eventually swaddle free. It worked well. Good-luck!

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  28. These confessions are funny. I can't wait till I'm in your shoes. -Or if I can't be in your shoes, I'll keep you and the surrogacy thing in mind. ;)

    Btw- you both look SO cute. <3

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  29. PS read this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jj-keith/new-moms_b_1850227.html

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  30. I caught vomit in my hand the other day. I really didn't want to have to scrub the carpet.

    Yeah, it's pretty gross. And, it hasn't gotten any less gross in the last eleven months for us. Yes, my child's crying makes me crazy! And, the whining is worse. But, when she laughs it's like fairy dust!

    I hate that she won't take a nap at daycare, but falls asleep in the car on the way home and is cranky at night. Basically, I live for thew weekends!

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  31. hahaha i am dying reading this. im sure i will be just as neurotic. i mean awesome. :)

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  32. I love your honesty in this post. So wonderful! And you velco-ing the mattress has me cracking up. I'm with you on the crying. Can't handle it. Had quite a few breakdowns in the early months. Even now when I feel like he could cry it out and maybe nap a little longer because he needs it, I cave. Sucker!!! Love your post!

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  33. LOVE LOVE LOVE! Although I can't fully relate (our first baby isn't due for another 2 weeks) I am already having nostalgia about being pregnant. And I'm still pregnant (38 weeks at that!). Almost every night as my husband and I are falling asleep and he has his hand on my huge belly and is feeling the baby's last few rumbles of the day I say "I am really going to miss being pregnant and feeling him move inside of me like this." I'm pretty sure my husband thinks I'm kidding, but I most definitely am not :)

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  34. Pee in the face and spitup everywhere... yup, sounds like my life. ;)

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